Met Dad yesterday as he's in town for a DRDO conference. Well, what should I say. He has grown a bit old now. Not that old but yeah, hair turned a lil more grey than I last noticed. We talked for a while after dinner, while having some tea. Talked about Mom, kiddo and how things are going. He went to bed and I got back to work but couldn't coz there were things in my head that wanted me to sit idle for a while...think about things that are capable of sneaking out slowly in a way that you can hardly notice them and then one day you realize that they are gone, forever....silly things, cute things...things that made you happy... in a sad way!
It took me few math classes to understand the Time equations, to understand that time is a continuous function...but there are many things that we have to figure out ourselves to believe in it. Time equations, Dream equations...Love equations. Somehow i had to unlearn most of them to get them right. May be I'm still too far from getting them right. Well, Time is not continuous, its a series of flashes...beautiful moments, painful moments, happy moments, melting moments...all captured in postcards in a time album called Life. Sometimes I wonder if chasing your dreams take away a lot from you. A lot of those snaps go missing from that Time Album. Some people are lucky to see their parents grow old, some are lucky to have sisters, some go to Venice and some, well some get to understand Love. Love...hmmm as if Life wasnt weird enough already.
A friend, well not exactly but yeah someone who I feel I connect to in a strange way, said recently, "People will only do to you what you allow them to do...".....kept me smiling for a while...in a sad way. We do allow people to come near, share things...but that is because we believed in something, because we saw something magical in them or may be in ourselves, once...but things change, people change and what seemed to be true once is never true again...so honey, may be its not our fault.
They said, the last solar eclipse happened a hundred years ago. Stupid people. I had one early this year. Another eight years ago and many more. We all have Solar eclipse in our life, dont we?...those three minutes of darkness threatens to take away everything from you. But when the sun is out again, things are back as they were before...Is it :)? Dont you think, some things never get to be the same again, ever. Who's fault is it...the Sun's, the Moon's or Where we ended to be when it happened? May be all, may be none...As I say, few questions are not meant to have an answer...the rest seem to be unimportant !!! If it did not make any sense to you then probably I am happy for you :)...
Someone died today..someone who use to walk around in the office everyday and I never noticed. A face that I dint know... but I did stand for a minute in his remembrance. The minute which seemed like a year. A minute that tells you things that you dont want to hear. A minute that you dont want for anyone you know even remotely...The minute passes and I get to hear those keyboard clicks again. I kept standing for few extra seconds to give a glance to all those who went back to their place, as if nothing happened...May be nothing happened actually. Not for the rest of the world.
Yeah, may be you wont believe me right now but I am an optimist. I believe that I can do things, anything that is humanely possible... but beyond that lies things we cant control. No logic, No reasons and guess what..no Justice either. I dont believe in the concept of God. I use to, once, but not anymore. I have a different way of looking at things now. Nope, not a result of a mishap...just a gradual loss of faith. I use to believe in something very strong deep inside me. I cant find that something anymore. Why is this whole concept of God so screwed up. Why is it pain and fear of loss that scares you and brings you close to someone or something. If things go well, then he saved you. If it did not then it was meant to happen...Dont you think its funny ??? Alright, may be I am a little angry about something(s) but more than that its...well, how do we call it? disappointment...Disappointment not about not getting what you wanted, but about not being there when you expected...Its not a nice thing to say BRB and never actually BRB :).
No, I am not arguing on his existence because I think that will be pointless. A glass half full or half empty. Both are right, but both are wrong as well. May be it will make you happy if I tell you that I too believe in Miracles, believe in Luck, in destiny...in Love. Its just that I have stopped asking "Why". I use to have lot of questions once. Now all I have are answers....answers that dont have any questions. Precious but Pointless.
It makes me happy when I see people believing in something so strong. Its a wonderful feeling and it breaks my heart when people let it go...so don't believe in something for the sake of it. Believe if you feel it. Believe if it makes you happy...not in fear but in strength...then whether its God or Faith or Love or even Dreams, when you know you can feel it, the question of existence cease to exist....
When I was a kid, I use to look at the sky and wonder why do stars fall. Who shoots a star and...why would anyone want to do such a horrible thing...but as I grew up, I realised, may be you reach a point in your life where you get tired of staying there, hanging in the air all alone, watch everyone watching you back...be desired and cannot be owned...may be we all feel like a star sometimes who wants to be free...go some other place, a different world may be. Where all that we know, all that we have learned, the choices we have made doesn't really matter. Where what matters too isnt important at all...
But life aint a fairytale. Its real. Its complicated and most important its a little unfair...so what do we do? Well thats a choice. Some try to hang on. Some try to change themselves, some try changing the world...and some, well, just choose to drift along. Choice is a tricky thing, isn't it? No matter what you choose, you are never completely right. Never completely wrong either. Its like choosing a train for home. You can choose the train but you cannot choose your Home. At the end, we all go where we came from...the only place from where there is nowhere else to go. Where all the roads end...so if you are too worried about how to reach home, may be you need to think again. May be what you should be thinking about is...what if, for a change, you take a train that leads you somewhere else...